Why hello there. It looks like you’ve Googled “How to Pick Up Women at a Bookstore.” Before we begin, a brief moment of self-inquiry:
Are you lonely? How lonely? Lonely enough to mine the web for articles written by content farmers posing as pickup artists?
Do you view women as objects? Sex as conquest? Negging as a worthwhile form of human interaction? Has it occurred to you that maybe this is why you feel so alone all of the time?
Don’t worry, we’re here to help! Follow these tips and we guarantee you’ll be able to walk into your nearest bookstore and pick up as many females as your heart desires. Best of all, you can continue to treat women as objects (and vice versa) while avoiding that pesky business of confronting your male chauvinism.
According to a website called Manipudating, which is exactly what it sounds like, your first task is to find a women who looks vulnerable, which is easy enough in a bookstore, where “women aren’t so quick to put their defenses up.” This is maybe good advice if you’re, say, organizing a jewel heist, but it’s really very gross as far as romance goes. No, the key to a great match — and this may be difficult to hear, Googler of pickup techniques — is to find someone who challenges your worldview, a person who forces you to consider yourself and others in a way that you’d previously not. (I know, ick)
So here’s what you do: First, walk up to the bookstore clerk and say, “Hello, can you direct me to Toni Morrison.” You’ll want to stay on script — if you find yourself insulting the clerk’s bangs in the hope of lowering her self-worth so she might sleep with you, you’ve screwed up. Equally important is the follow up line: After you’ve been directed to the correct section, it’s critical that you say something along the lines of, “Thanks.”